I've got many ladies asking me.."How can I tell that a guy might abuse me"?
There are many warning signs. Even though these signs are subtle, The challenge isn't in identifying them. It is in accepting the reality that the said person might turn out that way because at that point, the girl might have become carried away by his laudable praise at her.
Often times relationships start out with the guy giving a girl some "hot chase"...The calls, texts, favours and what have you. What we often don't know is the fact that potential abusers don't really pretend. They simply UPLAY the parts of them that gets you to fall for them while you make excuses for their abusive warning signs.
Here are a few to look out for
1. He makes Indirect Statements
He never comes straight to say, he wants something. He suggests it, and plays out the benefits and then leaves you to decide.
For example, He might say, "
it would be nice if you spent the night at my place..." (suggestion)
We could get to see a movie(benefit)
Well don't mind, we could do that when we get married (Denying his true wish and holding out a bait of marriage)
At this point, a girl begins to think he really wants to marry her. She forgets he hasn't proposed. Now she is drawn to the" movie with this guy "....
She is thinking, " I love him and his not going to sleep with me. Its just a movie. "
Next, the guy makes it look like its your idea cos you would be the one to say, "it's okay. Lets spend the night together."
Abusers are intelligent manipulators. They subtly get you to do their bidding by doing no 1 and this next point.
2. He Constantly Ignites guilt
Do you feel guilty about something concerning your body, achievement or knowledge?
A potential abuser, would never miss any opportunity to make you feel less. He might say, I love you so much. I only wish your breast was larger, or your hair was longer.
The day you say something he thinks is wrong, you get a cold, "I thought you were intelligent or I thought you were smart or I thought you are exposed. He would say anything to make you feel guilty and less than you are worth.
My abuser used to tell me "I thought you are a leader with decorum" and "How do you even do those big things on pulpit when you cant understand something this simple".
The reason is hard for a girl to recognize this sign, is because the guy must have praised her so much at the start. Hence, it would be difficult for her to see that he is subtly pulling down the self esteem she thinks he helped her build.
This is is the reason I tell ladies to NEVER build the validation of their worth from people's opinion but God's word.
One "chyker" once told me that I was fine but he was going to make me finer. That we were going to go to Enugu to remove my tooth.
You know that my special "diastema-like" tooth? He claimed it would disturb me in old age.
I was pissed.
He also added that my butt was too big.What? Have you seen Kim kardashian's or Mercy Johnson's?
I just knew this guy would abuse me if I dared gave a yes. I ran for my life.
You claim to like me and you want to edit my body. Why don't you look for a girl with flat board butts and one tooth missing? Rather than try edit me.
Some ladies overlook this sign cos the guy does one or two other things they like. If only they know the danger of being with a man who thinks your body is imperfect or your brain is sick.
This leads us to the 3rd sign......
3. He compares you with SomeoneIt might be his ex or his friends' girls or his neighbour. Only it wont be directly. He might say, "I wish you could speak intelligently like sandz." " I wish you could walk like nene."
Girls don't often see how these wishes gradually become their "Auto Commands". As women we hate to think that our man likes something in another girl that we don't have.
Gradually you end up chasing a shadow in his head. If his ex was so great why did he leave her? He is going to leave you too even if you became as perfect as Jesus our God.
4. He appears unusually vulnerableThis one is the most subtle kind. Abusive men are not often the all powerful and domineering sort. There is also the "introverted" version which appears calm and collected that you just trip.
Now this kind appeals to the motherly nature in a girl. Women wants to care, nurture, express love and make anyone they care for know that they can stand by them.
The abuser plays the vulnerable victim to make you do their wishes-which again you think is your idea.
For example, perhaps at the beginning he seem to spend on you- Send you airtime and buy stuffs you didn't ask for. Once you assure him of your love (mind you,abusers love to demand loyalty), he suddenly claims his broke or needs one thing or the other. He promises to pay (for those who have shame). He never will pay.
The girl now feels, I should help him after all he gave me when he had. (Hahahaha), sorry sis. He wasn't giving you. He was investing and its time for his harvest off you.
Soon little financial assistance becomes huge financial Loans.
One ones made me buy a cake for his birthday(expensive cake o). When it was my birthday, He had started acting up. Reading the signs(even though it was late), I decided to ask as he wasn't forth coming. He feigned annoyance and claimed I was pressurizing him.
Ever said, "I wish I knew?". Hahahaha
Of course we soon broke up with him stating I was too opinionated and stick too much with my principles ... When I was only refusing to condone living in abuse while being spiritual. No one lets the same snake bite them repeatedly.
Vulnerability for other guys might be emotional. He would give you the impression that he would die if you left him. He would replay how many times the bond you both share had made his life better. All this, while cheating on you! They know how to sound like they need your help.
Ever heard statements like, "Babe, you are the only one who can meet my emotional needs" ? Lol
He said that to many other women. No matter how hard you try. You won't, darling.
Most abusers are fidgeted at the childhood stage of their development. (Look up psychological details). They are unconsciously seeking an inner satisfaction that no one but God can give. Most continue to act this way even when they give their lives to God because they don't even realize they have a huge issue. Let alone ask for God's help. Being born again don't take this away. Only a recognition of the presence of this tendency, Willingness to let God satisfy them and a RELIABLE counseling/therapy session can.
Some of these "born again" brothers developed the abusive habit before they met the Lord. Perhaps their first love hurt them and that's when they begin a vengeful mission on ladies (same goes for female abusers). Hence, you see this tongue speaking hot "christian" who still manipulates, cheat and abuse his spouse or date.
5. He claims every girl is after him.Ever met the guy who tells you how every girl in his church, office and community is after him? He claims his ex asked him out. He might even say she deceived him.
Hmm sister, He is gonna tell the next girl that you asked him out. You initiated the relationship. You this and that. Hahaha
Everything he says about the other girls, He is gonna say to his next victim about you.
They are full of themselves. They inflate their object of obsession-fine face, muscular build, cash in the bank, connection etc. They think every girl is after them and would turn you into a territorial lioness. What you don't know is that you've got no territory, baby! He is the one chasing after them, not the other way round.
6. He plays hot and coldThe hot and cold rule is used by experienced players. Most abusers are play boys at different levels.
He is calling you, keeping I'm touch for the first 3 months and the next, he disappears. You are left wondering. You try to reach out to him in search of the emotionally available guy you fell In love with. Sorry sis, that loving, caring dude never existed.
Such guys loose interest after 3 months and ONLY string you along if you permit them to milk you off whatever they gained.
When you get fed up and decide to leave, He starts the chase again. Calls you, visits, buy stuffs as long as it takes to make you think, "sugarboy" is back. Just when your heart returns to him, he goes cold, distant and withdrawn.
The hot and cold rule is used by play boys to keep a victim wanting them. It is coined from one of the 48 laws of power that states, "use absence to create desire". Hence the victim continues to put in her all to no avail. If only she knew that Lover boy has moved on to his next victim.
Some chronic abusers might say, " Uju, the problem is not you. Its me. I just want out. I'm bored"
Even though he Is telling the truth (about it not being your fault) in plain English, He is indirectly saying you are responsible for his boredom.
You are not darling.
Abusers are often I'm search of a fresh victim. They love adventure. They love to leave while they are wanted. Hence 3 months is their max.
They have a psychological problem called narcissism.
Its really not your fault sis. Just move on!
7. He Displays anger SubtlyNo guy would want you to know that he could land you an unhealthy slap at any time. However, if you paid some attention a bit more, you will notice..
Does he bang the table often? Does he hold your hand too tight in a bid to buttress a point to which you earlier showed a differing opinion? Does he yell at a waiter for any slight mistake? Does he Clenche his fist at any little provocation?
8.He Exploits peopleSometimes, ladies get really dumb thinking "well he is nice to me so it doesn't really matter how he treats others. It cant be the same cos he doesn't love them".
How wrong you are darling. If he doesn't show kindness to others, uses them to meet his objectives and treats them badly afterwards, then girl you better get ready for your own treat.
An abusive person is a people user and you wont be the exception.
9. Disagreements gets interpreted as power struggleAn abusive person is power and control conscious.Does he feel threatened by your differing opinion? Are major decisions often based on his choice? Does he detest your suggestion for a visit to a more experienced guide or counselor?
An abusive person detests correction. They hate rebuke and see a higher authority's interference as a bruise on their ego.
Does he often declare you unsubmissive because your opinion differ from his on a matter?
10. He sees your healthy need for time together as chokingSo the last time you guys had a quality time over the phone or face to face was months ago. You try to make him see there was a distance and he declares you a nag. Do you only spend time when he needs your attention and ignores you when you need his?
11. He frequently violates your boundaryAn abusive person feels they can make decisions for you. This comes from a sick mentality that makes them believe they are superior to everyone else. They don't value your no. They borrow money without returning even when you are the girl and they are the men. They break promises easily and blame you for their actions. for example, He might say " I cheated because you didn't want me to kiss you" or decided to withdraw because you refused to spend the night at my place".
12. He has a bloated view of himselfHe tells you how others couldn't have arrived without his help. He talks frequently about how he has made people and how ungrateful they have become. He often reminds you of how he picked you from the dust and brushed you up.
Abuse is a sickening experience. It can grind the very fabrics of your soul and leave you hopeless on love and life.
Abuse is a two-way thing. Girls sometimes are the abusers in a relationship. Even though this is written from a woman's perspective. I encourage men to look out for theses signs in abusive women too.
Like the popular cliche, "Prevention is better than cure". Do not wait to be a victim before you learn to spot a potential wolf.
If you've been in an abusive relationship and out, do not let you turn ugly. You don't have to treat others the way you've been treated. It pays no good to ruin your harvest after all the times you've been good.
Keep been good and let wisdom guide you.
Committed to your wholeness,